


Rose's Scabbard: A Soliloquy

by 94BottlesOfSnapple



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Despair, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/94BottlesOfSnapple/pseuds/94BottlesOfSnapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternately, "Pearl, On Fusion"</p>
<p>As she sits alone, with Rose Quartz's scabbard clutched in her hands, Pearl thinks about impossibilities.</p>
<p>Set just before Steven enters the scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rose's Scabbard: A Soliloquy

**Author's Note:**

> Some of this obviously got heavily skewed by Pearl's POV, so just a disclaimer I don't agree with everything put forth in this fic.

“We only fuse during emergencies.”

It is not a rule anyone had ever told Pearl. But it was the only way to keep her sanity. To keep her mind focused, razor-sharp.

To not… Hope.

For things she couldn’t have. A way of life she couldn’t have. Maybe it worked for others, but no matter how good it felt Rose was too important to lose her singularity, and Pearl was too—

No, hope was to be spared only for their cause, and then backed up by every ounce of strength she could muster.

And it’s easier that way, even after Rose is gone. Especially after Rose is gone. Garnet is all well and good, she’s happy, an experience of love, strong and true. A fixed point. But nothing can ever be like that for Pearl again. And all she ever wanted was to be of some use. To bring Rose Quartz happiness. She wanted, more than anything, to see her smile and know she had done well. Everything she was, is, it’s all for Rose.

In the end it didn’t matter, that Rose had fallen in love with Greg, who was supposed to only be a curiosity. That she had gone away and left them all without guidance. It wasn’t a betrayal. All the happiness Rose got, she deserved. And if giving herself up for Steven was what made her happy, there was nothing Pearl could ever say to counter that.

Steven… Made Pearl happy too.

So it didn’t matter that there was a hairline crack running the heart of her gem. That the speck at her center, the rock foundation of Rose Quartz, had disappeared. For years Pearl had crumbled, but she hadn’t been willing to break apart completely, secure in her love for Rose and her desire to protect the legacy she’d left behind. Not until she had seen how much had been hidden – from her, who was supposed to be special, the foremost gem in Rose’s affections, her confidante. Her love.

Cold pink metal clutched in her pale hands, Pearl knew – had always known.

Importance, completeness, _fusion_ – it had only been a dream.

A sick, desperate fever dream that glittered with all the wasteland of cracked gems before them, spread on a ruined battlefield beneath their massive, beautiful, perfect feet.

Rainbow Quartz.

Just thinking the name made Pearl’s mouth fall open in a silent sob.

Fusion terrified her. It was too good, too much. Addictive in a way that left her fingers trembling and her knees shaking. Only in emergencies. Only for battle. Only to protect.

Nothing more, she couldn’t think of it as more, not even when it was allowed.

Not even when she’d tried to use it as a possessive tactic, a sparkling tour de force that showcased why _their_ love would always be better than anything Greg could have with Rose. It hadn’t worked then anyway, and what did it matter? She’d had Rose’s love, been closest to her for five thousand years, and if giving that up made Rose happy then Pearl knew that was enough.

Pearl didn’t want more. Didn’t need more. She didn’t need anything.

Pearl had been the perfect second in command, the perfect knight. She would follow and listen, she would do anything, _give_ anything for Rose Quartz and her dream. All without complaint because Rose was worth it, worth all Pearl had to give. She had saved Pearl, when no one else could or even wanted to. Rose Quartz had fixed her, healed something inside her that Pearl hadn’t even known was broken. Rose had supported her and loved her and made her feel like _everything_ , even when deep down Pearl knew she was nothing. And Pearl had used, did use, would continue to use all her fragile strength to defend Rose Quartz’s happiness.

It didn’t hurt. To have secrets kept from her, to have Steven look at her with pride in his eyes as he revealed that Rose had _kept secrets even from her_. That even as he’d discovered something wonderful all on his own, the thing that made her special faltered, shaken to its foundations. It _didn’t hurt_ , she _wouldn’t let it_ hurt.

Pearl was just fine, would always be fine, _had_ to be fine—

Pearl clutched Rose Quartz’s sword to her chest and knew that she wasn’t fine at all.


End file.
